A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
