When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
