Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
