i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
