You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
