we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
