True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So squirting runs in the family.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
