For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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