She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
