She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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