I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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