I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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