My nipple is on Facebook.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My hand turned me down
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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