Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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