Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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