it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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