My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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