Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
