I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
