You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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