Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
