Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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