Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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