My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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