I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
