for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
