I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
