Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
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