apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
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I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
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It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!