I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
