My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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