Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
