she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
