Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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