who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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