Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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