Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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