Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize