dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
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Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
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That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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