Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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