Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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