Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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