I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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