We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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