roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
