I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
