i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i think my cat just said my name.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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