i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
