in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
