yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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