She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
