I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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